I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
