Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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