Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
