This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
