my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
