Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
