I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
