I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
