it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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