i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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