The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
