Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
