I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he told me I talked like a deaf person
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
