I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
