The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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