one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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