I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
