I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
