Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she smelled like a LAN party
did i walk over a car last night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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