So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
