No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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