so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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