why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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