I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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