I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
