im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
