I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
