I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
