I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
