My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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