Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
