Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
