Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
