i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
