You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
