I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
even my farts smell like vagina
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
