I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
