Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
