Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
