Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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