the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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