my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
