How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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