Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
