Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I deserve this hangover.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
