I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
