apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
