I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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