I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
