dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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