I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
