did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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