JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
