if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
