I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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