I will die if light touches me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
