They should really pass out barf bags in church
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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