I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
