you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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