An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
