Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
